The term “music snob” is not a title people like to have. At least, they don’t admit that they like it. A true snob never admits that they are a snob. They say things like, “Oh, no, no, I’m not a music snob. I never judge other people for what they like.” But they do judge. They judge hard. If a music snob hears that you, for example, put a Lil Wayne song on your list of Best Songs Of The Year, they will immediately start looking at you differently. The expression on their face will read something like, “Really? I want to spit in your eyes.”
But there is value in being a music snob. Call them pretentious dickheads all you want, but through snobbish ways, some of these dickheads are the ones who actually influence the general public’s opinion. By acting like they are above everyone else, that is how they end up being perceived. It’s sad but true: to be a music snob is to be in a position of power. Interested in taking on that role? Here’s how to do it.
Only like something if you know at least 50% of other people won’t get it
It’s simple, really–if people think you “get” something that they don’t, you will immediately seem more knowledgeable than them. Anybody can like The Beatles, but enjoying the newest progressive art-rock/noise-pop quartet from Eastern Europe isn’t so easy. Of course, nobody really likes the shit, but if you say you do, and come up with some intelligent sounding but nonsensical reasoning, you’ll put yourself at the forefront of a new movement, and the lemmings will follow.
Except for some things clearly out of your lane, which you like ironically
It goes something like this:
“Oh yeah, I love that new progressive art-rock/noise-pop quartet. They’re really redefining the whole noise-pop movement. So brilliant. That new Gucci Mane/V-Nasty album is wonderful too. So honest.”
Huh? Well damn, this person must be incredibly well-rounded if they have the capacity to appreciate both of these things. What a trustworthy source, and how refreshing that they keep an open mind.
But never admit you like them ironically
Always choose a band’s “older work”
This is some Music Snob 101 shit. According to music snobs, a band’s earliest, most obscure work is their best, 95% of the time. If somebody says, “Did you hear (insert sell-out band name here)’s new album,” you answer, “Yeah, it sucked. I only like their early stuff.”
1. Washed up act links with new, credible producer.
2. Straightforward act goes left field, confusing all their old fans.
3. Death. (There’s no real “rule” for this, but the death of an artist is always a game-changer.)
What you can’t stand is just as (maybe more) important than what you like
To truly define yourself, you can’t just let it be known what you like. The whole point of being a snob is to allow yourself as many opportunities as possible to look down on other people and make them feel inferior for their unrefined taste. If they order the french fries, you get the truffled mashed potatoes. While you eat them, you talk about how much you hate french fries. Not only are they greasy and fattening, but their “eat me with your hands” accessibility is just so tacky.
We’ve seen some great examples of it this year.
Rock, rap, pop, blues, punk, jazz, R&B are all dead
You’ll have to keep this in mind if you really want to be a music snob. Punk rock was cool, but it’s done. It’s over. Unless you are “post-punk,” you offer no value to a snob, who will see any new punk band as inauthentic. Robert Johnson already sang the blues, the appeal of straightforward rap died with Big L, and as far as the snobs are concerned, rock and roll in 2012 will be as pointless and silly as the term post-dubstep is to the rest of us. But hey, if someone can even define what post-dubstep is, they must know what they’re talking about.
Align yourself with scenes
With each strange little subgenre comes a cult-like subculture. If you’re looking for an easy target, here it is. These hardcore scenesters are desperately looking for something to grab onto, and once they grab on, they hold very, very tightly. Maybe they were outcasts in middle-school and never got to experience the excitement of being in a clique. They want to “be a part of something,” and once they feel like they are, they are like dogs on leashes. Walk them into oncoming traffic, walk them into dancing flames, tie them to a pole and leave them there. Once you’ve got them, they’re yours.
Don’t fan out
It is of the utmost importance that you don’t show weakness by exposing any type of excitability. This means:
– No dancing at concerts
– No exclamation points, unless used in negative context (e.g. “Nice dance moves, loser!”)
– When a great new album/song drops, avoid Tweeting “OMG” or “Wow.” Leave that to the fans.
– Whenever someone tells you they love something, act slightly unimpressed by it
– You are allowed to wear music t-shirts, but only ones that advertise bands that are no longer together and/or relevant (Joy Division or Daniel Johnston are good choices).
Follow these simple rules and there’s no stopping you from becoming a music snob! Just work on mastering your “I want to spit in your eyes” look, drink lots of PBR, pick up a drug habit to numb your emotions a little, and you’ll be scoffing at simpletons in no time.
Good luck, dickhead!