We’ve Come So Far: Classic ’80s Songs With Terrible Videos

David Hasselhoff Portrait Session On The Beach

Image via Huffington Post

By Ernest Wilkins

Ahh, the '80s. A time of neon clothes, jheri curls, and a whole load of guilty pleasure classics that we love to play to this day. While many of these songs from the 1980s have aged well, there are a gang of videos that really, truly haven't. They are bizarre, they are nonsensical, they are creepy, they are downright ridiculous. Here is a cringeworthy collection of '80s songs with terrible videos.

We've come so far.

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  • DeeJay Dario

    Gotta love the 80’s, the good and the bad.

  • Huss

    “Tainted Love Theory: Observations From Some Young Black Guy (That Knows Absolutely Nothing About the 80’s)”

    Weird White Woman- Soft Cell’s pure/innocent/pre-industry love of music

    Swole-Ass Fan Nigga- Music Industry

    Child- The by-product of S.A.F.N. and W.W.W.

    Flamboyant Caesar- Soft Cell or lead singer (i’m assuming soft cell was a band, i’m too lazy to do the research but i’m sure the people of the internet will fill in the blanks)

    Cricket guy- assumed soft cell band member or just a creepy friend/guy idk not that important.

    Apple at very beginning- The child’s version of fruit from Soft Cell’s “Garden of Eden”

    FuccBoi Garden- Garden of Eden

    In the beginning **Morgan Freeman voice** the Cricket dude hands the mixed child an apple allegorically setting the stage for Soft Cell’s very own “Garden of Eden”. In this garden Flamboyant Caesar is King, married to the W.W.W. for better or for worse. The S.A.F.N. represents the music industry which, while providing F. Caesar with a comfortable lifestyle in “Paradise”, has clearly been dicking down the flamboyant one’s girl (Soft cell’s pure love of the art of music or performance or w.e.), the W.W.W. This beautiful child is the “Tainted Love” of the craft Soft Cell has chosen, representing this very song. The creepy cricket guy giving her the apple is perhaps a metaphor of some inner band discussions about how the music industry (Represented by a strong, dark figure) has perverted their dreams/goals pre-industry. By eating the fruit the child/the song, is now suddenly aware of the deception, and prime for F. Ceasar (who may have a small god complex) to explain to her/it what has happened much to the chagrin of the S.A.F.N. who understands that Ceezy is angry about being pimped out to the masses for the sake of pop music and commercialization. However, instead of trying to fight the swole ass music industry and likely getting fucked up, losing his main bitch, and never seeing this child which he has come to love, Toga boy decides he will enjoy the comforts his lifestyle provides, and lets the child play with the fruits of fame all the while attempting to raise her with the help of the creepy cricketeer watching over her and providing veiled messages to her such as the fish in the fish tank (just keep swimming) as well as this song and music video combined. All the while Swole Ass Fan Nigga get to keep chillin livin the good life reaping all the benefits of Soft Cell’s main bitch’s insides knowing he’s been found out but is still an essential cog in F. Boi Ceasar’s newly acquired lifestyle and he doesnt even have to pay child support. **Charley Sheen voice** WINNING!

    …just a quick observation.

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