Every holiday season, it’s the same shit—family and friends gather around and catch up about average lives while indulging in food and drink. We exchange gifts and make small talk. Someone gets too drunk and makes an inappropriate joke. Aunt Ruth gets depressed because she’s still single. You ask her how that guy she was seeing is. He’s dead. Things get awkward. You drink more.
But for celebrities, the holiday season is much more entertaining. Here are some snippets of overheard conversations from Drake, Bieber, Beyoncé, Grimes, and others.
“This is… it’s… well, it’s the same gift I got my ex seven years ago, except I got the baby blue one. When I handed it to her, I said, ‘For you, baby blue.” She giggled and tickled me a little. I laughed too hard and snorted a little. I was embarrassed, so I got upset. ‘You know I hate being tickled!” I screamed at her as I threw down the wrapping paper and bow. But I don’t hate being tickled. Who hates being tickled? I was just mad because I hate it when I snort. From that day on, she never tickled me again. That’s how I knew things would never work out.”
It’s December 23. Solange walks in the door of her apartment holding Trader Joe’s bags in each hand. Beyoncé and dozens of close friends and family jump up from behind counters and furniture: “SURPRISE!!!”
Solange: [Smiling, surprised] What is this?
Beyoncé: It’s Christmas! Surprise! I just decided to change Christmas to the 23rd. I didn’t even tell anyone. It’s just like, “Voilà, it’s Christmas, bitches!”
“Kim, put on the red and white dress I got you. Then tell Travis Scott and James Blake to check their mail and put on the little outfits I got them. I’m not gonna tell them to cut off their legs, but… well, tell them that the shorter they can make themselves, the better. Also, have someone call all the local malls around here and tell them to cancel their Santa plans. I’m gonna go eat the rest of these turkeys because I still need to put on some weight. Is the car back from the shop yet with those changes I asked for? Did the trailer from Canada arrive in the yard today? Oh, and sign in to my Twitter account and just tweet: “BLKKK SNTA IS COMING.”
On December 28:
“Merry Christmas hahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahah.”
Tyler, The Creator: “This Year For Christmas, We Aren’t Giving Each Other Shit. Gifts Are Fucking Stupid Because You Always Get Dumb Shit You Never Need Like Fucking Ties Or Socks Or Some Shit. Instead This Year I’m Getting Each Of You A Beat I Made With Pharrell.”
Earl: “That’s kinda sus tho Tyler. We both already put out an album, I don’t need any more beats. Why can’t you just get me a video game or something?”
Tyler: “BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING ARTIST AND I GIVE REAL ARTIST GIFTS.”
Tyler takes a breath.
Tyler: Fine, You Don’t Want These God Damn Beats? I’ll Give Them To ‘Ye. He’s Got Kris Jenner Callin Me Every God Damn Day Asking For My Beats. Fuck You Guys.”
Grimes opens up her computer and logs onto Tumblr.
i was pretty sure that we had already had christmas but then james told me that today was christmas and my mind was genuinely blown. time has kind of been an aspect of my life that i haven’t been paying much attention to. between the new beyonce album and joining Roc Nation (aka basically cementing the fact that beyonce and i are now somehow sisters i think) everything has been such a blur. anways just wanted to say merry christmas to everyone.
***ps, there is definitely still a ghost in our new house. i got it a Casper dvd for christmas to show it what kind of friendship we could have and that i come in peace. james thinks this is a stupid idea but james has also never seen casper himself so what does he know.
Phone rings. Thug doesn’t even look at the caller ID before answering. It’s all the same to him.
“What in tha fuck u jus said Thug?”
“Dammit Thug I ain’t got time for this. Where tha fuck Waka? Guwop needs his money.”
Gucci Mane hangs up in frustration and then immediately opens up his Twitter app.
“YUNGTHUG FUCKIN WIT. GUWOP ON CHRISTMAS. YUNGTHUG OUT. OF 1017 BRICKSQUAD. ANY1 WANT,, YUNGTHUG PAY GUWOP. XMAS..”
Regine is sitting down near the tree with a present in her hand. She looks around then glances at her watch. She sighs when she sees what time it is.
“Win! Come on! Let’s open gifts it’s already one in the afternoon!”
Win enters the room wearing his paper mache mask. Regine rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
“No, Win—just no. Enough is enough. Take it off now. I didn’t like it when we wore it on TV appearances, I hated it when we wore it in the “Reflektor” video, and now it’s just straight up creepy that you’re wearing it like no big deal in our home, on Christmas. No, this ends now. Take it off.”
“I can’t believe all we got was god damn Versace. Like sure, it’s our hit song and that’s what everyone knows us by, but come on man—you’d think our own family would be a little more creative you know? Like they been knowing us since before the song. They know we like more than JUST Versace. It’s fucking offensive to be honest.”
“Yea, agreed. I asked for simple things, like a gift certificate to Home Depot because I’m trying to redo my bathroom. And a new fishing pole. That’s it! I didn’t ask for no Versace belts or Versace cologne. Fuck man! Ayo, we GOTTA put out a new song with a new hook. Maybe something about Home Depot. This shit is getting ridiculous, seriously.”
Justin sits down to the computer. He’s had a few Yoo-hoo’s so he isn’t thinking clearly. High off sugar and chocolate he begins to type.
[Out loud while typing] “My beloved beliebers I’m officially retiring—hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha”
Justin falls off his chair laughing. Lil Twist runs in, alarmed.
“Justin, damn you ok man?” Twist asks. “Bro, why u on the floor? What’s so funny? Come on tell me man! Tell me! Seriously why you on the floor? You need me down there too? I mean I’ll get down there it’s not a big deal or anything.”
Justin takes a deep breath and composes himself.
“Okay, okay I’ll tell you. I just tweeted that I’m retiring! HAHAHAHAHA! I can’t man, I just can’t. I’m so effing funny. Like I’m hilarious. Do you think I should also do comedy? HAHAHAHAHAH! Retiring! Me! I’m so effing famous! Like the most famous person alive besides maybe Will Smith or David Hasselhoff or something. I’m NEVER effing retiring. JUSTIN BIEBER IS FOREVER. Now, get me my monkey and another Yoo-hoo.”