You’ve probably heard the news. There’s a 20-year-old girl named Mariah Yeater who is claiming that her baby’s father is Justin Bieber. She’s seeking child support and a DNA test to prove that the baby is derived from the Biebz’ seed. According to Ms. Yeater, the pop superstar took her backstage after a show, told her he wanted to “fuck the shit” out of her, and refused to wear a condom because he was a virgin and “wanted to feel it all.” Not only that, but she claims that the sex only lasted 30 seconds.

This whole story will probably prove to be one big hoax in a couple of weeks when Bieber takes the DNA test–or maybe Bieber’s hardcore fans will end up murdering this girl before she can reveal anymore details–but sooner or later the squeaky clean Bieber is going to get involved with a scandal. His voice is getting deeper, he’s already gotten a couple of tattoos, and remember that picture of him sticking up his middle finger? (Above, in case you forgot.) Bieber, you little thug. Now, we’re not saying Bieber’s going to get picked up in a dark alley, caught in the act with a prostitute, a crack pipe in his sock, and a slew of incriminating text messages from Suge Knight on his phone. But sooner or later, there will be a Bieber scandal.

We at P&P, along with some help from Mostly Junk Food, decided to make some predictions. Note: these are all incredibly false. Completely fabricated. In fact, if you like Bieber, even in an ironic kind of way, just don’t even go on with this post. Seriously.

Usher: Bieber’s Friend and Mentor, or Pimp?

Ever since Biebz’ early days of success, Usher has acted as a mentor to the young singer. It seemed innocent enough–a seasoned vet offering some pointers to a blossoming talent. But it turns out there was a darker side to this relationship. When Bieber’s phone was hacked, an incriminating text message from Usher revealed what was going on behind the scenes. It read, “Yo Justin, our new client (Judy, the one with the lazy eye) is hungry for some Bieber meat. Same motel room as last time. Be there or you’re not getting paid this week, ho.”

R. Kelly’s Words In Bieber’s Mouth

Much of Justin’s lyrical content revolves around young romance. It seems innocent enough coming from Bieber, whose fans are mostly teenage girls that get giddy over his flirtatious words. But things got a little creepy when an industry insider uncovered a paper trail of exchanges between R. Kelly and Justin’s people that revealed R. Kelly had actually written many of Justin’s biggest hits, including “Baby.” Is this just a case of strictly business, or was R. Kelly using Bieber as a tool to confess his love for young ladies? Suddenly, the songs don’t seem so innocent.

Bieber Gets Cozy With A Sea Creature, #WhaleSex Becomes Global Trending Topic

We’ve all seen the picture. Leaning in for a kiss from whale seems innocent enough, but Bieber appeared to be a little too excited, and the look in that whale’s eyes suggests a passionate fire burning within that whale’s belly. All wet up and actin’ flirty, that blowhole was just asking for Justin’s bieber, and he couldn’t resist taking things to the next level. When asked about the situation, Bieber replied, “She totally wanted it.”

It sounds crazy, but you’d do the same thing if you had the chance… oh, you wouldn’t? Uh, yeah, us neither. At least if you do it in the blowhole the beast can’t get pregnant, right? Not really sure how that works. We’d still suggest pulling out, just to be safe. Whale sex is one thing, but could you imagine a “Justin Bieber Gets Whale Pregnant” headline?

Bieber & Muniz Attack!

Transgender prostitute Divinity Pickle accuses popstar Justin Bieber & former Malcolm In The Middle star Frankie Muniz of beating her up in the back seat of Justin’s all-black BMW. According to a statement from Ms. Pickle, the two stars were intoxicated and reeking of Chicken & Waffles after a party at a Roscoe’s in Southern California rented out for Justin’s 19th birthday. Allegedly, when the duo discovered to their drunken dismay that what they were about to double-team was a post-operation male escort, things got violent. Divinity suffered several fingernail scratch marks. She plans on suing, although she has it made it clear that she’s open to “alternative settlement options.”

Drake and Justin Bieber #OccupyToronto

After seeing Neil Young’s “Heart Of Gold,” and spurred by Warheads and Zours, the Canadian stars took their influence to Twitter & Facebook to implore their fans to “Occupy Toronto,” without fully knowing what they are protesting. Thousand of young people took to the Canadian streets and, without any direction, things quickly escalated into chaos. Several former Toronto Raptors have been arrested at the Chamber of Commerce.  A group of teenage fans is already mobilizing in Toronto’s sister city of Warsaw, Poland.

Justin Bieber Pulls an Ashton Kutcher

It’s obviously the natural trajectory for a pop star as successful as Bieber to embark on a serious acting career, but Justin got a little reckless on the set. Caught on camera by a celebrity gossip website, Bieber got down and dirty with one of his co-stars in some very compromising positions. It appears that Justin Bieber is into older women, because the actress appearing is none other than four-time Academy Award winner, Helen Mirren (who was playing the role of his grandmother in the film). When asked to comment on his hook-up, Bieber shot a stone cold look of confidence at the camera and stated, “Swag.”

Bieber Caught In Alley With Prostitute, Crack Pipe

Can you imagine? Bieber would surely lose fans and be banned from the households of countless suburban tweens, but how many others would embrace the Biebz, simply on some “Wow, he gets down like that? Damn, Bieber. Count me in.”