In case you didn’t hear the news, Cash Money signed Limp Bizkit. We can’t imagine a band we’re less interested in hearing in 2012, but Birdman is a smart man, and he must have his reasons. We thought long and hard, and here are 10 things that could make us want to hear a new Limp Bizkit album on Cash Money.
1. No music, just 12 tracks of Birdman hyping up Limp Bizkit
I do not like Limp Bizkit, but I do like the idea of Birdman liking Limp Bizkit. “It’s your turn now, Limp Bizkit. The world ain’t ready for this. We doin’ it big.” Etc.
2. Drake channels built up angst for a “Counterfeit” remix.
You’re sick of Drake getting sensitive on Take Care? WELL HE’S SICK OF YOU TOO!
3. Fred Durst loses a limb.
I just asked my friend what would make her want to hear a new Limp Bizkit album, and her first answer was, “If Fred Durst lost a limb.” And I thought, “That’s so weird, why are you so weird, and why would that even make you want to hear a Limp Bizkit album?” But then I thought about it, and yeah, I guess I’d be interested in what post-amputation Fred Durst would sound like.
4. Fred Durst out, Justin Vernon in.
Adding legitimacy to a Limp Bizkit album on Cash Money in 2012 is a fucking challenge. But if anyone can pull it off, it’s probably Justin Vernon. If these overgrown boy-men are going to be taken seriously, they need the Grammy-winning indie darling to lead them.
5. Fred Durst impregnates a pop star.
Durst seems kind of scummy, like if he did get a girl pregnant, he might talk about it in his songs. And hearing a song about Fred Durst weinering a pop star might be fun, right?
When Durst was describing his collaboration with Cash Money he said, “The game is missing danger, electricity, and rock n roll!!!!” Anger-filled, “dangerous” Limp Bizkit may have been cool to middle-schoolers in the late ’90s, but Fred Durst is balding and has grey hair now. Grab a saxophone, bro. What the game is missing is saxophone.
7. Limp Bizkit combines with Korn to form “Korn Bizkit.”
Some things are so bad that they’re good. Limp Bizkit trying to make a legit comeback is silly. Nobody wants to hear Limp Bizkit except people who are just going against the grain to be controversial. Anyone else that really is excited for Limp Bizkit is just a terrible person. Also, nobody likes Korn and their dubstep fuckery. But together, it might make something so terrible that it’s funny.
8. The album is an interactive karaoke release.
This special, interactive karaoke (a forward-thinking concept tentatively called “interaoke”) would allow the listener to play an active role in the music. We would be able to remove Durst’s obnoxious vocals and sing our own. Because we hate Limp Bizkit… unless we are the lead singer of Limp Bizkit.
9. A Justin Bieber diss song.
We hate Limp Bizkit, but know what we hate more than Limp Bizkit? Bieber. And there’s that whole thing about enemies of enemies being friends. Not sure how that works, but if Limp Bizkit made a hate-song about the Biebz, it might be worth a listen.
There were going to be 10 of these, but it turns out that there are only 9 things that could make us want to hear a new Limp Bizkit album. What would make you want to hear a Limp Bizkit album?