It’s been a while since we’ve had a guest post, so here’s a submission from Jess G., who shares some misguiding tips on what you’ll need at a music festival. Jess explains: “I’ve been going to at least five festivals every year for the past ten years, so I know what I’m talking about. I’ve had good experiences and bad ones, and over the years I’ve developed a great idea of what it takes to make the festival experience a positive one. I thought your readers might find this helpful. Here is my list of things you need to bring to a music festival.”
By Jess G.
Clearly, you’ll need drugs. There’s just no getting around it. People will try to tell you that music festivals are fun without drugs, but these people are liars, and their idea of “fun” probably has to do with just “enjoying the weather,” like that’s a real thing. These people bob their heads to music as methodically as girls who can’t orgasm fuck. Sick, twisted people who relate to Family Matters more than Intervention, going through their lives so far from the edge that they just float in the middle of nothingness. Pointless lives, they lead, and don’t led them misguide you. Surely, you’ll need drugs.
Click “next” or hit shift + right for the rest of the list…
During most festivals, you will get hot. You will get dehydrated. You will need water. Simple enough, but I promise you, there will be a time when you wish, “Fuck, I wish I had some water right now.” Even if you bring water, you probably won’t bring enough. You’ll probably face this moment at some point, standing in the middle of the crowd with your sweaty ass face and your dry ass mouth. Just remember: I warned you.
One person that you don’t like
Festivals can get stressful. Per item number one, you’re all on drugs. And despite the fact that you brought water, it was not enough. You’re hot, you’re starting to lose touch with reality, and things are turning nasty. This—and trust me, I know—is when things get ugly. Your friend to your right pukes and gets dragged out by security. A third of your posse decided to stay near the tent and smoke weed because they don’t really care about music and really just want to be a part of the “festival experience,” which is mostly about item number one. Your best friend didn’t do enough drugs and is methodically bobbing his/her head to the music on some wholesome ’90s sitcom shit. Here you are, in the middle of it all, and negative things are starting to fester. You’re about to lash out. This is why you need someone around who you’re not really friends with. Nobody likes to lash out against their friends, but lashing out against your annoying acquaintance Todd? No big deal.
Sunglasses for every day
You’re going to lose your sunglasses every day, guaranteed. If you don’t, you’re not doing it right. Bring a pair of sunglasses for every day of the festival (example: if it’s a three-day festival, bring three pairs). Don’t get fancy. Gas station aviators will do just fine. If you’re trying to “stunt” at a festival with your fancy eyewear, you’re doing it wrong and you’re an asshole.
You’re going to be doing a lot of unhealthy things at this festival, especially if it’s one that involves camping out. You’ll obviously be taking drugs and drinking excessively, but chances are you’ll also be:
– Dicking things/getting dicked
– Bathing not-at-all
– Injuring yourself trying to do athletic stuff
– Putting dirty things in or around your mouth
– Swapping blood with strangers
– Skipping vegetables
So you’ll need vitamins to balance this all out. It sounds stupid, but it’s amazing how just taking a vitamin can make you feel like you had a pretty healthy day. Imagine taking 10 vitamins! You will feel like a goddamn superhero. It doesn’t matter what kind of vitamins, but I recommend gummy ones, because the chewable ones will dry your mouth out.
It seems like common sense, but you wouldn’t believe how many dirty hippies just refuse to wear this stuff at festivals. Either that or they use the “Tom’s All Natural” garbage that smells like herbs and earth and only intensifies the smell of body odor. Bringing proper deodorant will give you a clear advantage over these people—not just in mating, but in being a person that other people do not hate being around.
You probably won’t need to stab anyone at a music festival. On occasion, there is a need for that, but it’s rare, and chances are you aren’t going to have your knife handy at the point when a stabbing is the appropriate move. The knife isn’t for that. It’s just a good tool to have around, and there will be plenty of times when you’ll realize you can use it. Examples:
– Port-O-Potty doors: DO NOT TOUCH THEM. Instead, knife them open, not by the handle, but by stabbing through the door and pulling open. People around you will be impressed.
– Cutting steak
– Whittling (Sounds lame, but when you’re sitting around a campsite high as shit and you start whittling, people will be impressed.)
– Drug stuff
– Earth stuff
– Everyday stuff/Unanticipated stuff
One random thing that you probably won’t ever need
This is always a good idea, because in the case that someone does end up needing that random thing, you are going to look so, so cool. It’ll be an epic moment when Todd’s like, “Shit, I wish I had a magnifying glass,” and you’re like, “Here you go, bro!” Make sure to act like it’s not a big deal. Other people will just look at you, like, “Oh my god, he’s king.” Ideas of random things:
– Magnifying glass
Lots of lighters
When you bring a lighter, you will start fires. When you start fires, the knee-jerk reaction is to throw your lighter in the fire (it will explode, it’s awesome, people love it, everybody will cheer). So you’ll need a lot of lighters, because it becomes a kind of never-ending cycle of starting fires and blowing up lighters, where one necessarily follows the other. You’ll need an obscene amount of lighters. Also, Google “lighter tricks” before you go, because these are cheap and tacky, but they go over extremely well with festival crowds.
For the drugs.
Where do I start? These are the most awesome thing you can have at a festival. I always say, “Blankets are the currency of festival-goers.” You’ll need blankets for:
– Keeping warm
– Acting as a barrier between you and the dirty earth
– Giving/receiving discreet public handjobs
– Pillow replacements
– Ghost tricks
– To throw in fires
– Parachute tricks
– To cover dogs with as a joke, like, “Hahah look at the silly dog struggling to find his way out from under this blanket I threw on him!”
– To clean up messes/Soak up wetness
– To hide things
– Towel replacements
– Clothes replacements
– Toilet paper replacements
– Using like hobos, as a bag on the end of stick to carry your resources around in
– Other tricks that you think of on the spot
People are going to bleed a lot at this festival. Be a good person; be the guy with a band-aid in your pocket, ready to go, so when someone says “Ouch!” you say, “Need a band-aid?” Insta-friend.
Fill it with pictures of yourself. Leave it behind, someplace where someone will find it. A little glimpse into one of the best experiences of your life, caught via photograph and left for a stranger. It’s like the modern day message in a bottle.
That’s it. You’re good to go. Enjoy your music festival!