We haven’t had a guest post since the infamous Things To Bring To a Music Festival list, so we figured it was time to look at some Open Mics again. This submission comes from Joe (no last name), who seems to think that he’s something of a ladies’ man. He sent this in; a step by step guide on how to make out with girls you don’t know at concerts. He wrote it from the perspective of a guy trying to hook up with girls, but it can probably apply to other situations, or at least give you some insight into how some predatory guys are thinking. We asked how often this strategy works and he replied with “idk, depends on the show but maybe like 40-50% of the time? It’s better than my friends do.” So here it is: 8 Steps To Hooking Up With A Girl At A Concert.

By Joe

Click “next” or hit Shift+Right for the rest of the list…

1. Pick The Right Show

This is the first and most important step. You gotta pick the right concert. If you’re going to try and pick up a girl at Jeff Mangum concert you probably won’t do well and I hate you. What are you thinking?

It should be a show that’s fun and dancey, and big venues always seem to help. Passion Pit’s going on tour soon, right? Perfect. Anything at festivals goes too, or if you like dance music/dubstep I’m sure that works just as well – if not better.

A good rule of thumb for this is whether it’s a concert you would drink at. If it’s a concert you wouldn’t pregame for or have multiple drinks at you probably shouldn’t be trying to make out. You wouldn’t get wasted at an Antlers show, and you definitely wouldn’t try to pick up someone at their show, either. Right? Please don’t do that.

Image via Instagram/Pixabay

That leads me to my next step…

2. Drink

Obviously, drinking isn’t a necessity. But why start a fire by hand when you have matches? I don’t want to be peer pressuring people into imbibing, but drinking always loosens me up to the point where it’s become part of the routine. I also just like having something in my hand at all times because otherwise it’s in my pockets, which isn’t always the most confident look. Make sure that if you’re drinking to always have some gum, Altoids or Binaca on hand, beer breath is not your friend.

3. Choose Your Ground

Imagine you somehow got tickets to a Kanye show that’s not in a stadium. You have to be front row. How do you get there? Obviously, in this hypothetical, you wait for hours before doors open, but assuming you were late – what’s your play to get to the front?

I have a wide array of strategies for getting through crowds. Just shoving ahead can work in certain situations, but is pretty blunt, rude, and will make the surrounding people automatically dislike you. Another way is to just tap politely and gesture ahead, asking if you can go through. It will make it look like you have friends further ahead, or at least have some semblance of a reason to be closer to the stage, and people generally respond positively to straightforward requests.

However, while those will both work, if you’re trying to hook up at this concert you need to position yourself next to a girl. You’ve got to be somewhat inconspicuous but make it through the crowd. I suggest drafting. Basically, that entails waiting until you see a person or group of people pushing their way into the crowd, then following them. Pretend you’re part of the group, mouth apologies at the people around you until you spot someone you find attractive in the vicinity. It’s going to be slow moving so you’ll be able to make an educated guess as to whether that dude on the other side is romantically involved or just another random. Your goal is to get right next to her, without making it look like you are. It sounds harder than it is, most of the time, but good luck.

4. Make Her Notice You

When you’re next to her, the name of the game is still to be pretty inconspicuous, but confident. Hopefully you brought some friends along and are still drinking, because your number one job from now on is just to have fun. Talk to your buddies and dance, it’s a concert. You’ve positioned yourself well now and if you’re genuinely having fun, that generally seems to get people’s attention. Of course, with the positioning, some incidental contact will come into play, and you should try to make some eye contact. Smile and shit, girls like it when you show them teeth.

5. Introduce Yourself

After being shoulder to shoulder for a song or two, it’s definitely appropriate to introduce yourself. Give her your name but don’t start asking shit like where she’s from or where she went to college. Those questions aren’t good icebreakers anywhere, and become especially useless at a loud concert for the 30 second break between songs. Ask her what her favorite song by the band is, or if you’re really confident about getting back to your spot – if you can buy her a drink. Do not start talking about your siblings or your dog.

6. Don’t Be Too Forward

It’s important to point out that my strategy hinges on not making an overt first move. Normally, I think the guy can make the move, but concerts are a funny place. They’re dark, packed with strangers, and loud. Just grabbing a girl by the waist and initiating some grinding might be occasionally effective, but is far more embarrassing for all parties involved when the girl hastily disengages and brings her and her friends out of the general area. You run the high risk of looking like a creep, not to mention that you’re kinda acting like one. Trust me, avoiding this works better almost all of the time.

She doesn’t know you, so you have to wait and see if she’s interested. If you’re at the right show, people are going to start pairing off after the first couple songs. It’s happening all over the crowd, and if it’s something she’s going to want to get involved in and you seem like a fun guy, she’ll want to dance with you. It’s a simple concept, but if anything’s going to happen you should let her initiate it, or at least ask her if she’d like to dance. You’d be surprised at how often girls will just want to dance with the guy dancing next to them. It might not sound like the norm, but it is. If you two pair up and start dancing together, you’re doing very well. If she doesn’t seem to be into you, or flat out refuses to dance, have some fun with your group of friends and, if your confidence isn’t too bruised, reset from step 3.

7. Don’t Fuck Things Up

From here on out, you’ve just got to not mess things up. If you’ve been drinking, this is where things will get tricky. Don’t lose your balance, it’s never a good look. You’ll look drunker than you are (or exactly as drunk as you are) and she’ll be way less likely to keep it going. When songs hit peaks, people start dancing – don’t randomly start jumping while trying to dance. If you’ve got to go all out, disengage first. Finally, you’ll probably realize at a live show that you like the song way more than you did on your laptop speakers. Refrain from singing out loud. Your mouth is by her ear, your voice isn’t that good, and there’s no way she wants to hear it. Do not sing along.

8. Make Your Move

You’ve been dancing with this girl for five or six songs, and it’s time to make a move. Everyone’s got a few in their repetoire and I’m not going to publicize mine to all of P&P. That being said, while asking to dance is perfectly acceptable, going for the “Wanna make out?” probably isn’t the smoothest. Do better. Feel it out. You’ve come this far, you will be able to make it happen.

And, if she’s a good kisser, try to get her number – you already know she has a good taste in music.