• "You either be in a coffin or you be the new guy / The one that's too fly to eat shoo pie"

    Song: "Potholderz"
    Ingredients: Molasses, butter, brown sugar, flour, egg, salt, sugar

    I'm not sure what shoo pie is, so I had to assume that DOOM was actually referring to shoofly pie, a molasses pie common to the Pennsylvania Dutch and popular in Southern cuisine. It's essentially exactly what it sounds like: pie, made out of molasses. What is molasses, you ask? You know that viscous, dark, almost snotty looking stuff that ginger molasses cookie recipes ask for? Yeah, that. It's a by-product yielded during the refining of things into sugar. As to why it looks and smells so gross, I can't say. It's certainly an acquired taste.

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    So. Pie. To start, you make the bottom pie crust (i.e. you only need crust for the bottom; the top will be some brown sugar streussel-like topping). Combine flour, sugar, and salt together. Then cut up frozen (or just really, really cold) cubes of butter and cut the butter into the dry mixture. This means that you are combining the butter with the dry shit, without compromising the butter's cold temperature. You need it to stay cold so that when you pop the crust into the often, the pockets of butter almost "fry" up, which is where the flakiness comes from. This can be done using a pastry blender, or two knives (the latter is a pain in the ass, FYI). Slowly add ice water to the crumbly butter/flour/salt/sugar mixture until the dough comes together. Press dough into a disc, wrap it in plastic wrap, and throw it into the fridge for an hour.

    Roll out the dough until it's 1/8 inch thick, and place into a pie dish. Cut off all the overhang (i.e. pie crust dough that hangs over your pie dish), and using a fork, poke holes into the dough. Pop into the oven for 8-10 minutes at 425 degrees F, until it's a light golden brown. Cool completely.

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    In the meantime (because you're efficient), put baking soda in a bowl, then pour hot water over it. Add molasses, egg, and vanilla to the mixture, and whisk. And THAT'S IT. That's the filling. It's, like, 90% molasses. If you don't like molasses, now is a good time to quit. (I don't like molasses; I couldn't quit.) Pour this icky looking substance into your cooled, prepared pie crust, and top that with the brown sugar streussel mix. Oh, you haven't made that yet?

    Combine brown sugar with flour. Now spread that shit over the molasses mixture. Some of it will sink, but that's okay—you're going to be putting a lot of that shit on top of the pie. Bake for 40-45 minutes, remove from oven, and cool completely on a cooling (duh) rack.

    I hate to say it, but I hated this. Like, molasses is what tequila is to me: people say there is a flavor to it if you really taste for it, but for fuck's sake, it's just bitter, and it makes me feel weird (the tequila, not the molasses). Think of molasses as the Drake of the food world. It's polarizing. A lot of people swear by it, but it's too sugary for some, and those to whom it's too sugary, they really fucking hate it. I give this two Drakes out of 10.

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