• "Here I am known for giving heavy back aches / Grown and living off of little Debbie snack cakes"

    Song: "Kookies"
    Ingredients: Cocoa powder, cake flour, salt, baking powder, instant coffee, eggs (yolks and eggs separated), sugar, butter, shortening, marshmallow creme, vanilla, icing sugar, heavy cream, dark chocolate

    If you've scanned all of these recipes and didn't think any of them were challenging enough, then a) fuck you—I worked my ass off, and b) here you are. Lord knows what Little Debbie puts in her snack cakes, so chances are, as with most things, it might be best to just make your own. Of course, why the hell would you make "snack" cakes, when you can have a full swiss roll cake to yourself? Leave moderation to the health nuts.

    Swiss roll cake is essentially what it sounds like: a cake, usually a genoise (read: Italian sponge) cake, rolled up. The reason as to why these cakes are so light is because you're to whip the egg whites separately and gently fold them into the rest of the batter. When you whip something, you aerate it, and when that bakes, those little pockets of air remain. So. Spray your sheet pan (or any cookie sheet with a rim) with Pam or coat it with shortening, and line the bottom with parchment paper. This is crucial, because this cake will get stuck to your pan otherwise. Sift together cocoa, flour, salt, baking powder, and instant coffee, and set aside. Then, whip your egg whites (note: separate your egg whites from your yolks using your hand. The whites will fall out from between your fingers if you gently wiggle your fingers) until soft peaks form. Soft peaks just mean that your eggs whites look like soft serve. Any stiffer, your cake will not turn out (insert penis joke here).

    DOOM 14

    In yet another bowl, combine egg yolks and sugar, and whisk until the mixture is pale in color. Then, combine with the dry ingredients. Don't worry, you didn't fuck up; it's supposed to be near impossible to stir. Slowly fold in half of the egg whites to the stiff batter. Once incorporated, add the rest. The more you stir, the denser your cake will be, and while there is a time and place for a dense cake, this is neither of those things, so don't over mix.

    Pour the batter into the prepared sheet pan, and bake it for 6-8 minutes. You're welcome to touch the cake in order to judge if it's done; it should spring back, spongey in texture. No, the cake will not be too hot for a quick poke. Also, don't be a pussy. Remove the cake from the oven and let it cool for a few minutes. Then, cover the pan with a tea towel, and flip the entire pan over. Pull off the parchment paper, and roll the pan up. Be very careful, as I mean, yeah, you can conceal most cracks with frosting, but why fuck up when you can not fuck up? So be careful. You can do it. Let it chill out for 20 minutes.

    Time for the filling. Whip butter, shortening, marshmallow creme, vanilla, and salt until combined, and then slowly add the icing sugar. Spread that shit over the cooled, unrolled genoise cake, and then immediately roll it back up. Now your little chocolate marshmallow doobie is ready to be bathed in chocolate ganache.

    DOOM 31

    To make chocolate ganache, which is just a fancy word for melted chocolate with heavy cream, you literally just heat up heavy cream and pour it over chopped up chunks of chocolate. Stir it up until it's smooth, and slowly pour over your chocolate marshmallow doob (which should be placed over a cooling rack, over a cookie sheet for the sake of easy clean-up). Shit will get really pornographic at this point. You may feel your heart beginning to race. Your mouth will become dry at the thought of that chocolate ganache touching your lips. God forbid that you listen to R. Kelly at the same time, because things are going to get messy if you do.

    Anyway. You're more than welcome to pour another layer over top once your first layer cools, but I personally just ended up eating the rest of the ganache with a spoon (it was a really sad moment in my life, and I don't think we need to dwell on it). Slice, serve, consume.

    The lyrics from DOOM's "Kookies" relate sex and snacks, and that's a pretty good connection here, because anything that involves chocolate ganache is very sexy and borderline pornographic. So if you get your kicks from sweets and chocolate, make this swiss cake roll. No one will judge what you're going to do with it (I don't think).

Watch Now