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It’s Friday afternoon of Coachella weekend and the OVO crew is goin’ up in Drake’s tour bus. Smoke is in the air and everyone is drinking, laughing, and having a good time. Except Drake is sitting there looking kind of sad.

OB O’Brien:
Drake, what’s wrong? Here, smoke some more marijuana with us.

Drake:
Don’t you guys want to go to any of the shows today? Every year we make this big plan to see all of the wonderful artists at a festival, and then we end up partying all day and barely catching the last headliner.

OVO Ryan:
Hell yea we do!

OVO RYAN and OB high-five while simultaneously hitting blunts.

OB O’Brien:
Drizzy, it’s madness out there. You really want to go out and have your every move documented and memed and horribly photoshopped on stupid blogs?

Drake sighs. He knows OB is right. The paparazzi are out in full force and there’s no chance for privacy. Drake gets up and leaves the bus to get some fresh air. Makonnen follows Drake outside.

Makonnen:
Hey man, take this.

Makonnen pulls the hair off of his mannequin head—it’s actually a wig—and gives it to Drake. Drake puts on the wig and also a cool, trendy hat. Drake looks in a mirror.

Drake:
Wow this is perfect… thanks Makonnen, you’re the best.

The two attempt to do their new secret handshake, but neither of them have it memorized yet and they quickly give up on their clumsy grappling and decide to just hug.

The sun is setting and Drake walks out into the Coachella crowds. Nobody recognizes him. It’s a freedom that Drake hasn’t felt in a long time.

Drake:
YESSSS!!! I’m ALIVE!

Some Girl on Mescaline:
Yes! Welcome to our world! But remember, the mice always know where the owl is.

Drake:
Word?


drakeisfree

Drake breezes by the girl. He’s got his eyes set on a different prize. He’s finally going to do something he’s been thinking about his whole life. Drake is finally going to see Steely Dan perform live.

Drake slides through the crowd dancing and singing. Hearing “Reelin’ In The Years” live is too much to handle. He’s snapping and twisting. He’s Steely dancing.

A girl sees Drake and walks up to him.

Kelly:
I love your moves. I’m Kelly, what’s your name?

Drake immediately falls in love with Kelly.

Drake:
My name’s Dra… Aubr… I mean… Aubraham. My name is Aubraham.

Kelly:
Cool! Let’s go.

Drake and Kelly are definitely in love. They run off hand in hand to watch AC/DC, and dance for the whole set. They scream NA NA NA NA NAAAAAAA.. THUN-DA! at the top of their lungs together. Drake accidentally yells, “Drizzy deeds done dirt cheap!” but the girl doesn’t notice.

The show ends and they’re still all over each other. They walk around, talk about love and what life could really be for them, and lay in the grass and stare up at the stars.

Kelly:
Aubraham, you’re so amazing. I feel like I can talk to you about anything. It’s like you’re a real man, but can also get in touch with your inner feelings and express them in a way that other people can’t. One minute you’re this tough, strapping young man, and the next you’re this quiet, sensitive guy. You’re so versatile and I bet that if you went into music you could have a long and lengthy career with a full catalog that spans many genres.

Drake:
Hey, let me thank you one time for that.

Suddenly about 50 shooting stars streak across the sky. Drake knows that now is the time, and he goes in for a kiss. Drake and Kelly make out for like 8 minutes, but then Kelly suddenly stands up.

Kelly:
Sorry, I totally forgot I’ve got to get back to my tent like, right now. Bye, it was nice meeting you Aubraham.

Kelly starts to walk away.

Drake:
Wait! When can I see you again?

Kelly:
Ummm I don’t know, maybe Sunday? I’m getting dragged along to that gay Drake show. Maybe I’ll see you there? Bye!

A billion swords pierce Drake’s heart. He watches Kelly go and he sighs and wipes his cheek, anticipating a tear. The tear never comes. Sometimes, he thinks he might be all out of tears. He gets up and walks back to the tour bus to meet up with his friends.

When he walks in, the whole squad is still goin’ up.

OB O’Brien:
Drizzy! We just got a pound of boomers. Wanna trip?

Drake:
Hell ya fuckin’ right!

Everyone laughs. Drake starts eating handfuls of shrooms and everyone is like, “HELL YEA LET’S DO IT!” and they all cram their faces. Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along The Watchtower” starts playing as the following montage takes place:

– The OVO crew rides on motorcycles into the desert.

– They run through the sand with giant shawls, dancing like the girl in the “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” video.

– They turn into big cartoon animals that still have some of their real, human characteristics… Like, OB’s an owl that has a beard and a TOPSZN beanie. Makonnen is a giant red dragon. They fly all over the festival grounds.

– They sit around a fire with a tribe of Native Americans. They drink some potion and walk across hot coals. Drake moonwalks on the hot coals and everyone cheers.

The crew wakes up in the tour bus to banging on the door. There are drugs, empty liquor bottles, sand, and Native American artifacts scattered all over the floor. Makonnen opens the door because he’s the nicest. Drake’s manager busts in.


Manager:
DRAKE! You’re on in 10 minutes! We’ve been trying to get in this fucking trailer for the past two days! We even called Birdman, but his phone just automatically goes to that “RICH GANG!” voicemail drop. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING IN HERE!?

OVO Ryan:
You mean… we never left the trailer? Damn! THEM CAPS ARE WILD!

OVO Ryan and OB O’Brien high five while simultaneously hitting blunts.

An OVO! OVO! chant breaks out.

Drake is rushed outside and onto a golf cart. He’s still wearing the same clothes from the other day and really wishes he could change into the outfit he had picked out for the show—a form-fitting white tee, a fly jean jacket vest, some not-too-tight tapered khakis with a drawstring, and the tough desert boots.

They arrive backstage and he gets his ear piece and mic.

Manager:
You got this.

Drake:
I know.

Drake goes out and slays the crowd. He’s giving them hit after hit after hit. The Weeknd comes out for “Crew Love.” Birdman comes out and yells words. It’s madness. The crowd wants more. Drake is backstage getting ready to go back out for an encore, but first he puts on the wig and the hat.

He walks out on stage. The crowd goes quiet. They don’t recognize him at all. The hair and hat combination is too good of a disguise.

Drake:
Kelly! Kelly are you here?

Birdman:
Show-time! Prime time! Kel-ly!

The crowd starts muttering and looking around. Kelly yells.

Kelly:
I’m here! Aubraham I’m here!

The crowd parts, and Kelly runs up to the stage. Drake jumps down and runs to Kelly.

Drake:
Kelly… look I have two things to tell you… first off, I’m actually Drake.

Drake pulls off his wig and hat. The crowd gasps and screams shit like, “Whaatttt!” and, “No way!” and, “That was Drake?!” and, “I thought that was Ani DiFranco!” and, “Ani I luv u!”

Drake:
And the second thing is, I love you.

Kelly is overwhelmed and starts to tear up a little bit.


Kelly:
What? Oh my god. I’m sorry, I like, have a girlfriend. She’s right there. And I knew you were Drake the whole time, she told me.

Kelly points to Some Girl on Mascaline.

Some Girl on Mescaline:
Sup

Drake:
You said you were single!

Kelly:
I’m sorry, I lied. I was like literally so drunk [Laughs]. But you’re an awesome guy and I’m sure someone else is out there for you. Nice to see you again. You look great! Bye!

Kelly runs over to Some Girl on Mescaline.

Drake:
But… how’d you know it was me?

Some Girl on Mascaline:
Because you’re Drake. Come on, everyone knew it was you but we wanted you to have a good time. I told you, we always know where the owl is. You can’t go back to normal now.

Some Guy:
Yo bro! Play “Trophies” again! Trophieeeees!

The crowd goes wild. OB can be heard yelling, “Man that boy old!” Drake jumps back on stage and looks out at all the people. The cartoon red dragon version of Makonnen flies down to Drake. Drake is still tripping balls.

Makonnen:
Hop on, Drizzy. Let’s get out of here.

Drake jumps on Makonnen’s back and they fly off. The “6 God” beat starts playing. The other OVO cartoon animals join in and they all fly together.

Drake:
All I ever needed was the squad, so that’s whats up!!! Yo, do we have any shrooms left?

OB O’Brien:
Yea! I think we’ve still got a few bags. And hey, even if we don’t, we have a shit ton of money and can buy more!

OVO RYAN and OB high-five while simultaneously hitting blunts.


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