Hurricane Sandy is projected to pound the majority of the east coast from next Monday through Wednesday. Recognizing that it is critical to have a plan of action in the event of a serious threat such as this, we at Pigeons & Planes have laboriously researched the best course of action. Stay safe.
Click “next” or the picture to read on…
2 Chainz: Notifier of The People
When hurricanes are announced, people start to lose their cool and act irrationally. If left to our own judgment, we’d all be running in the streets, looting and murdering at the first sign of light rain. This is why we don’t trust our own instincts. Instead, we will trust 2 Chainz to determine whether or not there is indeed a problem. When it is time to move to higher ground or take action, 2 Chainz will ride through the streets like a modern day Paul Revere and let us know, “The flood is coming, that’s a fuckin’ problem.”
Major Lazer: Enforcer of Positive Vibes
In times like these, it is often difficult to maintain optimism. To remedy this, Major Lazer will be patrolling the streets on surfboard, encouraging all to keep the party spirit alive. The strength of Mother Nature is one of those things that we have no control over, so we must remember to embrace the chaos and keep our spirits high. Some ideas:
– Play a drinking game related to wind speeds
– Make mini-boats out of household items and send them down the flooding streets
– Make up a drinking game related to homemade mini boats
Meek Mill: The Human Siren
Large cities can quickly lose power, leaving houses and businesses vulnerable to looters and vandals. Law enforcement agents have been nearly powerless in the past to prevent large scale crimes during natural disasters.
Thankfully, volunteer law enforcement agent Meek Mill has been training his vocal chords for several mixtapes to produce sufficient volume to serve as the world’s first fully serviceable human police siren. DMX is also being trained to act as accompanying police dog, but trainers say they have encountered some difficulty achieving a calm and focused demeanor in X.
Lil B: Protector of Animals
Based God knows that it is essential to save the animals. Working as a modern day Noah, Lil B will be deployed into forests working tirelessly to preserve the lives of our beautiful friends from the damage that Hurricane Sandy may bring to their natural habitat. For all animals reading this: you are being protected. Just as Task Force protects the Based God, the Based God will protect you.
While he’s out in the wilderness, Lil B will also continue the ongoing mission of finding Bon Iver, who continues to radio in that he is lost in the woods. So far, he has not given the necessary details needed by authorities to successfully carry out a rescue mission.
Wayne Coyne: Refugee Transportation
Unbeknownst to fans of The Flaming Lips, Wayne Coyne has been preparing for an event such as this for quite some time. He has developed a giant bubble that he will be using to ferry victims stranded by flooding to safety one at a time, serenading them repeatedly with “This Here Giraffe” to both distract and comfort them.
Gotye: Defense Against Sea Creatures
It’s well known that with floods, survivors face the increased threat of killer whales, monster squids, and other creatures dying to feast on their flesh. Enter Gotye, who has the single most powerful tool of protection from carnivorous sea dwellers. Just the beginning notes of his overplayed “Somebody That Used To Know” are now certified by the FBI to repulse any would-be devourers.
The sea monsters approach, hear those opening notes, and are like, “Fuck this,” as they retreat deep into the Atlantic. Only the most relentless of beasts push on, and that’s when we hit them with a little “Call Me Maybe.” We’re safe.
Grimes: Black Magic
Look, we’re not saying Grimes is a witch. We’re not crazy. But we’re also smart enough to deduce that she probably knows a thing or two about casting spells. If things start getting really bad, it’s time to fight back with the Dark Powers. These are matters you’ll want guidance on, otherwise you’ll find the neighborhood kids in bathtubs of swine blood, surrounded by candles, chanting in Latin while the cops question you about what, exactly, is going on here.
Drake: Victim Counseling
Perspective is key. For those grieving over the damage brought by Sandy, Aubrey Graham is here. Drake is already on standby to comfort the victims. He’ll start by telling them why his latest breakup is more heartbreaking than anything they could be going through, hurricane-wise. Think about how bad it is seeing your ex-girl standing with your next girl compared to having a little water in your basement. Drake will be there to cry with you, take care of you, eat Breyers ice cream, and watch soap operas until you feel you can move on with life. Just be careful, he gets attached easily.
Adele: Supernatural Intervention
Sometimes, you have to bring out the big guns. No mercy. Nothing, human or other, can overcome the emotional onslaught of Adele‘s “Someone Like You.” The plan? If all else fails, blast the song loud enough for the entire East Coast to hear. Citizens will enter a weepy trance-like state, the winds will die down to a hush, and Sandy will cry herself out of existence, one gentle rain drop a time, while sinking back into the murky depths of the Atlantic Ocean.