As 2010 rears its ugly, mouth-half-opened face with 2009 drool crusted to the outsides of it’s cracked lips we all feel a little urge on the tip of our tongue. It tells us to immediately reflect on the past decade and blabber about our conclusions. We spill our thoughts about the best albums, the most hilarious YouTube videos, the celebrity scandals, the year in photos, the political missteps, the best/worst of the red carpet, the tragic deaths, and the upcoming stars. We eat it up like dogs eat their own vomit.
In 2010, more than ever before, everyone can have a voice. In my philosophical opinion, this is a great thing. In my personal experience, it is painfully obnoxious. Instead of having one really smart person in front of a classroom sharing information about his/her expertise, you now have 100,000 unfiltered people in a stadium all yelling as loud as they can about whatever they want. Hopefully this post will help you quickly identify that loud voice that you are hearing so you can react accordingly. Here are some creatures to look out for.
The Trendy Blogger
These guys are rapidly rising in numbers, which is strange because they have very low reproduction rates. They are cool, they have connections, they do rad shit, and they want to make sure you fuckin’ know about it. They’ll tweet about some underground location in Brooklyn that they’re at with their friend @BrosphNYCittyKidz from some crazy social networking service that you’ve never heard of. They’ll use internet slang that the average person won’t pick up on until next decade. If you’ve heard of some new fad, they either hate it or love it in an ironic “way above you” kind of manner.
The Exclusive Blogger
This bunch is funny. They started their blog NewMuzak4UrAzz.blogspot.com 2 weeks ago and their latest post always starts with “Exclusive!” The really good ones use multiple exclamation points to really drive home their claims. Usually they are very skinny males with acne, glasses, and backwards New Era fitteds. Yet somehow they manage to get their hands on an exclusive G-Unit song every other day. The only problem is they are the 4,205th person to post the track. Oh well. They will make good salesmen one day.
The Connected Blogger
You can’t hate on these bloggers too much, because they are the ones who can actually make shit happen. These are bloggers who usually hold down jobs in the music industry. You can spot them easily by monitoring their Facebook and Twitter profile pictures. Over a period of 2 or 3 weeks, the pictures should frequently change, offering views of said blogger with several different celebrities. For them, blogging is cool because in the blog world they are top dogs. But if you look closely into the eyes of the celebrities they are posing with, you can see a look of “Who the fuck is this nerd?” It’s okay guys, your favorite rapper might think you’re a lame, but we bloggers look up to you. Can you add me on your blogroll?
The Fanatic Blogger
In my opinion, you only need two things to be a good music blogger: a love of music, and the ability to write about it. This group lacks that second qualification. They love, love, love the latest Kings of Leon album. Oh God, they love it so much that they don’t even know how to put it into words. It’s like reading a journal entry from a 5th grader who just got a new pet hamster. “This album is sooooo cool. They’re sound is defenitly the best on this album then on they’re passed 2 albums and I think their going to be even better the next time around.” Blogs are cool, but some people are just meant to be the Editor-In-Chief of their own diaries.
The Elitist Blogger
These fuckers think their site is the best blog out. They post with an infuriated intensity and sometimes lose focus of what they are even talking about. You sometimes read their posts when they first publish them and then come back and see a completely revised edition because they thought it over and came up with some new witty way to express themselves. These are the bastards that have the audacity to dedicate a whole post to categorizing and talking shit on other bloggers. What does that even have to do with music, you asshole?
Related: I’m Not You Blogger