• "Beef rap, could lead to getting teeth capped / Or even a wreath for ma dukes on some grief crap"

    Song: "Beef Rapp"
    Ingredients: Flour, water, egg, salt, scallions ("green onions"), prepared marinaded beef shank in five-spice, hoisin, chili oil

    Open up your horizons, little ones. Learn how to make dishes part of a cuisine that you are not familiar with. I say this, but the funny thing is that beef wraps are an Asian dish, yet Asian food—Chinese cuisine, in particular—intimidates the fuck out of me. I grew up with my grandmother's cooking, and every time I asked her about recipes, she'd tell me to get out of the kitchen. All I can do is respect her request, because let's face it, my grandma is a goddamn queen.

    Okay, so beef wraps. Beef wraps are comprised of marinated beef shank, green onions, and hoisin sauce, wrapped in a green onion pancake. Green onion pancakes are exactly what they sound like, so yes, Doom inspired me to make not just one, but two pancake things for this feature. To make green onion pancakes from scratch, you just need some flour, water, oil, and green onions. Combine flour with water, and when a dough forms, coat the ball of dough in oil and let it rest for half an hour.

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    Separate the ball of dough into smaller balls (heheeee), and set them aside. Roll out one ball at a time (this shit'll be sticky, so make sure your rolling pin and the surface on which you're rolling it out are well floured) until you're at about 1/8 inch thick. Coat that with a thin layer of oil, then sprinkle with finely sliced green onions. What happens next is a little bit confusing, so hang in there.

    Roll up the dough into a little cigar. Make sure all of that oniony goodness is tucked in. Still with me? Good, so you're not stupid. Roll that green onion dough cigar into what, I guess, could be described as a snail shell, or a cinnamon bun. Lay that down flat, and roll it out again with your rolling pin. All of that green onion is now forever fused with the dough. Repeat.

    In a hot, generously oiled pan, fry each of the pancakes, around three minutes per side. Once cooked, arrange slices of marinated beef shank (available at any Asian supermarket), green onion, and hoisin sauce down the center of the pancake. Roll up (no, not roll out), cut into h'or d'oeuvre-sized portions, and secure with a toothpick (if necessary).

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    Beef rap isn't necessarily the same thing as beef wrap, but imagine a world where rappers resolve all their issues over snack foods instead of rap beef. Like, how beautiful would that be? Lil B would be the ruler of that world (duh), and he'd host amazing dinner parties where anyone beefing would reconcile over beef tartare and beef bourguignon. This could probably be one of my Miss America answers.

    A girl can dream. Sigh.