• "Frown like the first time you taste cous cous / Stash the deuce deuce, troops asking truce, truce"

    Song: "Kon Queso"
    Ingredients: whole wheat couscous, carrots, celery, tomato paste, turmeric, cinnamon, coriander, onion, chicken stock, chick peas, currants/cranberries/dried pitted prunes (whatever you'd like in the form of dried fruit, really), mint, slivered almonds, spinach, cauliflower, lemon juice, garlic, ginger

    DOOM 18

    You know how people say that you have got to be completely useless if you can't make Kraft Dinner? Well, the thing is, Kraft Dinner can be difficult to make if you're bad at following instructions. I get that. Couscous, alternatively, is actually something that is impossible to fuck up. It's always 2:1, couscous to hot liquid. All you have to do is close the lid on the couscous/hot liquid, and wait. That's it. Then you pick at it with a fork. So for all of those who are completely challenged in the kitchen, here's a couscous recipe. If you fuck this up, then I'm sorry—you are just a fuck up. It's okay though, you probably have some redeeming qualities.


    Couscous is a staple in North Africa, namely in Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, and Mauritania. It's their carb, and it's often served with some sort of meat or vegetable, usually a stew. To start, place your garlic and ginger in a hot oiled pot and let it cook until it's soft. Then, add sliced onions, turmeric, cinnamon, and coriander, cooking until onions are tender. Add tomato paste. Pour chicken stock into the mix, along with diced carrots and celery. When the celery's softened, add chick peas, cauliflower, and cranberries (or whatever). Once everything's tender, add spinach and lemon juice, and stir that shit up until the spinach has wilted.

    DOOM 33

    While that's cooking, prepare your couscous. 2:1, couscous to liquid. Cover the pot that you've got your couscous in and leave it for at about five minutes. "Fluff" the couscous with a fork, then spoon it onto a plate. Create a little well in the middle of that, and add your vegetable mixture in the center of it.

    I don't know, DOOM. This wasn't my first time, but I don't feel like I would've frowned if it was. Having said that, I had to cook for a baseball player who was staying at the house of the place I was dogsitting at earlier in the month. I made him couscous, and he jeered the shit out of it. He didn't know what couscous was, and thought they were fish eggs (or something). Maybe he was listening to "Kon Queso" a lot. Maybe.