• "When it's on loco head gon' lay low / And heat it like beef patty, coco bread kon queso"

    Song: "Kon Queso"
    Ingredients: Flour, salt, curry powder, margarine, onion, ground beef, thyme, ground allspice, bread crumbs, chicken stock, egg

    I've never been to Jamaica, and I've only been to one Jamaican restaurant, once. As one of the few Jamaican restaurants in my city (Vancouver), the place's reputation precedes itself—the shit sucked, and I paid too much for it. So when MF DOOM name-drops a Jamaican staple (beef patty), I see it as a sign. If I can't get good Jamaican food, why not make my own, right?

    DOOM 20

    First, prepare the dough for them patties. Sift together flour, curry powder, and salt. Once combined, add the butter until the mixture is crumbly, similar to the pie crust you made (you made that pie, right?) for shoofly pie. Sparingly add cold water until a dough comes together, and once it does, separate into tennis-sized balls, and roll those out to roughly 1/8-inch thick. Cover with a damp cloth as you prepare the meat filling.

    DOOM 21

    In a pan, sauté onions with butter until it's translucent. Add ground beef—letting it sear on one side and then breaking it up, ensuring that it's broken up into little bits of beef—salt, pepper, curry powder, and thyme to the pan and stir well. Once the meat is browned (i.e. cooked), add breadcrumbs and chicken stock. Cover the pan for 10-15 minutes, stirring occasionally. All that liquid should be evaporated before you fill the dough with the meat mixture (roughly 2-3 tablespoons). Moisten (ew, this word) the edges of the dough with water, fold the meatless side over, and pinch the edges to seal with a fork. Brush some egg over the little Hot Pocket-looking things so that when they come out of the oven (400°F, 30-40 minutes), they'll be a beautiful golden brown.


    DOOM 34

    In the event that you don't have enough money to visit Jamaica (my case), this could very well be your closest thing to it (also my case). Traditionally, beef patties are served with something called coco bread, which, misleadingly enough, does not contain either cocoa or coconut. In any case, these turned out great. I used only shortening as opposed to a mix of butter and shortening, and this resulted in an outrageously flaky crust for the savory, spicy meat filling. Plus, I had some hot sauce my friend brought back for me from Jamaica with it, so that worked out nicely. Really, though—that scotch bonnet hot sauce means fucking business. I stupidly let the hot sauce come into direct contact with the side of my mouth, and I can't feel my lips right now. Halp.