• "When she's on the rag never let her fry the Ragu / Which'll have you under some type of spell crying 'dag boo' / Her name on your back in a tattoo"

    Song: "Hoe Cakes"
    Ingredients: Ground veal, ground pork, milk, dry red wine, fresh pasta (fetuccinne, linguine, or whatever suits your fancy), tomato paste, carrots, onion, celery, garlic, pancetta (or thick cut bacon, because bacon)

    If I were to die tomorrow, and I was asked what I wanted my last meal to be, I'd probably say pasta of some sort. Lasagna, ravioli, gnocchi, farfalle—I love it all. There are fewer things more satisfying than a hearty bowl of carbs. Before I continue and write a softcore porn about pasta, let's familiarize ourselves with ragu. "Ragu" has been popularized by the abomination that is whatever tangy ass shit that brand carries. It's a boring, bland tomato sauce that literally just tastes like watered down ketchup (no offense, Ragu, but I still stand by this even if this means I'm blowing P&P's chance to be sponsored by y'all). I am fully, 100%, "fuck-this-I'd-rather-eat-pasta-by-itself" against store-bought pasta sauce. Because of my holier-than-Ragu attitude, I am forced to make my own.

    DOOM 1

    Ragu is a part of Italian cuisine (duh), it's meat-based, and it's served with pasta. The recipe I used calls for a pound of veal and pork each, which is what I used. But really, you can use whatever sort of meat you like—two pounds of pork instead of one, two pounds of veal, duck, lamb, woolly mammoth meat because they're nearly extinct and you're ballin' out of your ass... all fair game. To start, chop up some carrots, onions, and celery. The three in combination is known as a mirepoux, and acts as the base of many French and Italian dishes. 


    Cook, stirring occasionally, until carrots and celery bits are soft, and the onions are translucent. Then, add the meat and pancetta (otherwise known as Italian bacon) to the pan until the meat is browned. Make sure you stir continuously/break up the meat so your pasta sauce isn't too chunky (unless if you like that, but I'm just sayin'—you're doing it wrong). Add tomato paste, milk, and wine (take a sip, or a couple) into the pan. Simmer the concoction on medium-low heat for about an hour and a half. The longer you let it simmer, the more intense the flavors will be. Add some salt and pepper (according to taste, of course), and take it off the heat.

    Put whatever type of pasta you plan on using in a saucepan, and douse it with the bolognese. You want to coat that shit with as much sauce as possible. To finish, grate some parmesan cheese (any other type of sharp hard cheeses would do), and garnish with parsley. Et voilà: pasta sauce, not out of a jar, because you are not a fucking neanderthal, and Viktor Vaughn wouldn't want you to be one either.