• "I wonder what I owe her / For a whole box of caramel coconut samoas"

    Song: "Kookies"
    Ingredients: Shredded sweetened coconut, soft caramel chews, flour, sugar, baking soda, bittersweet chocolate, salt, butter

    Sugary food is my vice. While some snack on almonds, I'll be cradling a Costco-sized bucket of sour keys, because, you know, why wouldn't I? I'm particularly fond of cookies, though. I could probably down a box of Oreos faster than Busta Rhymes can rap. The thing is, though, that while we also have Girl Scouts in Canada, their cookie selection is... well, quite frankly, kind of pathetic. Understanding that only American Girl Scouts sell Samoas/Caramel deLites, and realizing what exactly what they were (caramel, chocolate, and a sugar cookie base), I couldn't not carry out baking these.

    DOOM 7

    Disclaimer: These were as tedious as fuck to make, but every single cookie (all two and a half dozen of them) was worth it. To start, you bake sugar cookies. Sugar cookies are the basic bitches of the cookie world. They are the big ol' duhs, and they are brilliant in this way because you can do whatever you like to them. If you can think it, you can do it. Cream together the butter and sugar until fluffy (like a wonderfully sweet, fatty cloud, for those who are visual learners). Separately combine and mix flour, baking powder, and salt, and slowly add the dry ingredients to the butter mixture. Add milk and vanilla, blend, careful not to over-mix, until the dough comes together. Separate dough into two mounds and flatten into disks, wrap it up in plastic wrap, and refrigerate for an hour.

    Then comes the fun (but mildly frustrating) part. Roll out the dough evenly until it's about 1/8-inch thick, and cut out rings. I, for some bizarre reason, don't have any round cookie cutters, so I used a glass and the lid of a Kikkoman bottle. Whatever works.

    Transfer the cookies onto a parchment paper-lined baking sheet and bake for 10-12 minutes at 350ºF until they're a pale golden brown color. Cool cookies on a wire wrack.

    DOOM 8

    We're not done yet, kids. Now you get to make the coconut caramel topping (which you will eat with your bare hands, I assure you). Bake the shredded coconut at 350ºF, stirring frequently to prevent burning (because this will burn up quickly). Cool completely. Then, melt caramels, milk, and salt in the microwave (or a bain-marie if you're fancy as fuck). Once full melted, combine 3/4 of the caramel mixture with the coconut. Eat.

    Just kidding, don't eat it. Or at least not all of it. Spread the remaining 1/4 of the caramel on the cookies. This will act as glue for your cookie/caramel coconut mixture. Press the caramel coconut mixture onto the cookies, and set aside. Dip the bottom of each cookie into the melted chocolate (which you already melted, right? You haven't? C'mon), and let them cool on a wax paper-lined baking sheet. To make 'em look real nice, drizzle the cookies with the remainder of the chocolate. You know, with a fork. Get Jackson Pollock on 'em.

    If you're from America, you can probably avoid taking on this tedious-as-fuck recipe and just buy your own, but I can assure you that if you take the time to make them, it will be worth it. Besides, don't Girl Scouts only sell cookies once a year? I think so. I mean, I was a girl scout once.