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    Kris Kristofferson is a lizard.

    Apparently the famed country singer is a reptile, and he’s not alone. Popularized by British conspiracy theorist David Icke’s 1999 book The Biggest Secret, the reptilian conspiracy posits that a race of tall, shape-shifting, blood-drinking, reptilian humanoids have body-snatched a host of influential people—including not only Kristofferson but also President Obama, the Clintons and Queen Elizabeth II, among others.

    These cold-blooded descendants from the Alpha Draconis star system are bent on enslaving the human race and were responsible for the Holocaust and 9/11, among other evil deeds. Reptilians are known for manipulating and deluding humans and causing emotional damage such as self-doubt, angst, turmoil and guilt, causing victims to ultimately lose their sense of self and reality.

    Apparently, “ALL HYBRIDS ARE ENERGY VAMPIRES... every single one of them. It’s absolutely possible they were created by tantric or magical or satanic rituals that involved incest.” So hey, your ex might actually just be a reptilian humanoid who’s trying to take over the world.

    Hot take: Those piercing blue eyes... and Icke did wear nothing but turquoise for several years straight—I think we’re on to something.