By John Walaszek

For some reason Confusion agreed to let me get drunk and review the new Taylor Swift album.

So after work on Wednesday, I went to the store and bought a bottle of rum, Oreos, and 1989. I drank a lot and then put it on and kept drinking. These are things I wrote down. I’m sorry.

“Welcome To New York”
This fucking song. “We dropped our bags on apartment floors.” FOH Swift you did not move yourself in. I think I like Catey Shaw’s “Brooklyn Girls” better than this. This is the postcard New York, I want the real New York. Give me some lines about homeless people jerking off in the subway. THAT’S the New York I want to hear about.

“Blank Space”
Why Taylor got that Future “Shit” flow going right now? I do not like this song. This is a bad start Taylor. I don’t want to bash you for 13 songs. Wow when she goes “I got a blank space baby, let me write your name” you can basically see her doing a wink and a finger point gun and making that clicking sound. What is that click noise? That bugs the fuck out of me. “Darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” THAT’S NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF TAYLOR.

This actually happened. I remember when Harry Styles and Taylor started dating and people were making jokes like “oh can’t wait to hear the song about this after they inevitably fall apart” and low and behold she’s made a song called STYLE about HARRY STYLES. But okay I can get with this track. Taylor Kavinsky out here. “I say ‘I heard that you been out and about with some other girl,’ he says ‘what you heard is true but I, can’t stop thinking about you’ and I said ‘I’ve been there too a few times.'” How you gonna put the kid on blast like that? I know that’s her thing, but either she made that exchange up or immediately wrote down their convo, both are undesirable traits imo. I fuck with Harry Styles tho.

“Out Of The Woods”

Damn I’m already against this because Foals has a song called “Out Of The Woods” that is 100x better than this but I’ll let it ride. Is this what it’s like to camp with Taylor Swift? Gawd. No Taylor, we’re still definitely in the woods and not in the clear. Look around you there’s foliage everywhere don’t ask questions that you can figure out the answer to with 10 seconds of critical thinking. Damn this drink got me saying a lot. I’m really trying to give her a chance Iswea. Can’t wait for Plies to drop his album. “You hit the brakes too soon, 20 stitches in a hospital room” damn Harry really out here getting roasted for his driving skills

“All You Had To Do Was Stay”
I’m not mad at this. Those “STAY!”s sound familiar but idk where from. T Swift you incepting me? D Rose is BACK btw. Bulls bout to win 10 titles in a row.

“Shake It Off”
Yo Florence + The Machine did this exact song already. I hate that she says “hella.”

“I Wish You Would”

“It’s 2 a.m. in my room headlights pass my window, I think of you.” That’s when you know U got it bad when a fucking car reminds you of someone. And I thought you were in that NYC penthouse that you love so much how are you seeing headlights? Yea she’s got plenty cribs but stay consistent with the album maybe.

“Bad Blood”
This is apparently about Katy Perry. APerryently. I can’t imagine the amount of cryptic tweets sorority girls are going to send out using lyrics from this song. I’m just smashing Oreos right now.

“Wildest Dreams”
I don’t use iTunes because its 2014 and I’m a grown up so I pay for Spotify. However, I had to buy this on iTunes meaning the only 2 albums in my phone’s library are now 1989 and the U2 album. What are people without Spotify doing? I woke up the other day with an alert that said “Walking Legend by Fredo Santana is now on Spotify.” Do you know how happy that made me? You’re telling me my phone is already loaded with the latest from big boss Fredo without me having to do a thing? And this song is alright.

“How You Get The Girl”

Wow 10 songs in and still no Migos feature. I’m over this.

“This Love”
I can get way more behind this kind of song than any of her pop shit. Give me depressing music any day and I’m bout it. I need a cigarette.

“I Know Places”
This is a true fact. I actually listened to Swift’s Speak Now album an alarming amount of times when it came out. I had this brief phase where I thought I loved her and I liked to say “Dear John” was about me. Faded confessing shit now… she’s getting to me. Desperately need to hear Rich Gang.


“You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore.” This impressed me and researched and this was co-written by Imogen Heap so that makes sense. Heap gets buckets. This is a good song. Finishing skrong I see you Taylor.

Overall this gets a 5.5/10. Can’t deny that the girl knows how to make hits. Every song is like 3 minutes 40 seconds and follows the same blueprint. But this will be a smash and sell millions of records and whatever, good for her… can’t knock the hustle. I’m going to bed.